Article: Is Sexual Chemistry Really That Important?

Two of my friends–without any intervention on my part (except maybe divine)–recently matched on Hinge. I was thrilled. Do you know how hard it is to find good couple friends? I was already dreaming about them joining me and my boyfriend for long, wine-fueled dinners, vacations off the coast of Greece, our children growing old together.

And they were perfect for each other.

The conversation was great, their careers complementary, and their long term goals gloriously aligned. There was just one teeny, little problem; every time things got physical, it was deeply underwhelming. They both separately described their kissing to me as “two opposite magnets repelling each other.” Oof.

Their situation made me question how big of a role chemistry plays in the success of a long term relationship. One of my friends swears it’s “the make or break.” Another reminded us that her parents built a thirty-year marriage on little more than practicality.

To uncover the mystery, I asked Clinical Counselor Meagan Prost some questions about chemistry and relationships. Based on her extensive training with The Gottman Institute, she shared ideas that were honestly eye-opening to me, and in some cases, very juicy.

1. Does chemistry have to exist right off the bat or can it develop over time?

Of course, there are many types of couples. Chemistry doesn’t even have to exist at first sight— life isn’t a fairytale.

As partners get to know each other, chemistry is likely to increase, both emotionally and physically. A study by University of Texas psychologists Lucy Hunt and Paul Eastwick found that in most cases, a partner’s “mate value” or “the average first impression of someone’s physical attributes and attractiveness” isn’t nearly as sustainable as their “unique value,” which can only be developed through time and shared experiences.

2. If you don’t feel the spark right away, but enjoy each other’s company, is the relationship worth pursuing?

Allowing yourself the opportunity to get to know, and be known by, a person is tough to accomplish after one date.

We've all had a couple (ok, maybe more than a couple) of first dates where we weren't our “best” selves. Some people are shy or quiet until they feel more comfortable, some are incredibly nervous, some stress themselves out by putting too much focus on "finding the one.”

If there isn't a lightning bolt of chemistry right away, but some seed of connection, I would recommend trying a second or third before moving on. Take time to consider the shared values that are stopping you from giving up entirely: trust, loyalty, family, communication, lifestyle, honesty, self-discipline, religion/spirituality, and finances. Reflecting on these commonalities might just fuel a connection.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, if something feels off, don’t ignore your intuition. Pay attention to internal cues such as feeling unusually uneasy or nervous, a lump in your throat, bad gut feeling, or the thought of "something doesn't feel right.” This is your body’s amazing way of telling you "RUN” and protecting you from harm.

3. Is sexual chemistry necessary to keep a relationship going? Without chemistry, will our lizard brains have the necessary desire to fight to stay together?

Typically, the physical spark is more important for men than it is for women, because they need a strong physical connection to maintain an emotional one.

Women, on the other hand, will often lose any sexual desire in the face of relationship adversity, so chemistry plays a smaller role at that point.

4. Alternatively, what happens to a relationship that is hot and heavy from the onset? Is the hormone-drunk, falling-in-love energy sustainable over time?

In any long term relationship, it’s inevitable that the initial burst of sexual chemistry will fade. Oftentimes, this is because partners shift from a mindset of “what can I give?” to "what am I going to get?"

Couples are great at giving to each other in the beginning stages of dating and marriage. Relationships begin with partners asking each other questions to better understand one another, showering each other with love, and making the relationship a top priority.

As the relationship develops, life’s fun, little stressors (about the future, careers, family, money, etc) will inevitably start to get in the way of putting your partner first. This will put a damper on the heat over time.

5. What are some positive ways to manage daily stress, so it doesn’t seep into an otherwise healthy relationship?

Growing up, we can be conditioned to bottle up stress or negative emotions and stuff them down deep, which can have adverse effects on our mind, body, spirit, and yes, relationship.

Set aside 30 minutes each day for you and your partner to discuss external stressors without any problem solving. Express empathy, stay on each other’s side, and validate what both of you are experiencing. Merely venting to someone that knows you can make things a lot easier.

The Gottman Institute developed the "Gentle Startup" as a formula for dissecting the tough stuff with your partner. This 3-step conversation framework will allow you to introduce a topic to your partner in a way that can be heard without criticism, defensiveness, contempt, or shutting down.

Here’s your talking template:

Step 1: I am feeling [__insert emotion__].

Step 2: About [__what__].

Step 3: Identify a positive need from your partner.

For example: “I am feeling distant about my emotional and physical closeness with you, as I was reflecting on the initial chemistry we experienced early on in our relationship. I need to know that you still think I'm sexy.”

6. How can you maintain some semblance of love-explosion over time?

If you want that continuous falling-in-love experience, you have to be willing to commit to working on your relationship everyday by:

• Asking open-ended questions

• Expressing appreciation out loud

• Maintaining an awareness of when your partner is trying to connect with you

• Managing conflict effectively and with respect

• Asking and allowing your partner to influence you at times

• Planning long-term dreams together

Many couples that I've worked with have lost the fiery love connection, because they stopped putting in the effort or decided to turn outside of the relationship when they felt lonely. By implementing small changes to rebuild trust, heal any hurts, and deepen connection, this side of the relationship can be reinvigorated and may become more passionate than before.

If things are really going south in your relationship, I would recommend seeking out the help of a licensed therapist, one that has specialized training in working with couples, affairs, traumas, and/or addiction. Skeptical of therapy, most couples wait an average of six years before seeking out therapy, and sometimes it's too late. A little bit of work now could lead to positive, long-lasting results.

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